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What a difference a month (almost) makes.

Well folks, I fell off the wagon.  And hardcore, I might add.  I can't really chalk it up to any one thing...I just got lazy...as I pretty much spent the entire duration of 2006...just plain being lazy.  It's amazing to read my last post..and see how positive I was...and then to look at me tonight...laying on the couch, feeling like a sorry sack of shit.  I haven't worked out in a week.  Haven't been to a meeting.  Don't know if I'm going back, either.  (I'll get to that in a bit.)  Practically in tears because I'm feeling so sorry for myself.  Sitting in front of the computer desperately searching for a miracle, yet finding none, as always.  Reading others stories of success, and thinking to myself, "If these people can do it, why can't I?  I mean, once and for all, why the fuck can't I?"  I just don't get it.

     I can't stick to anything.  Anything at all.  I'll give something a few days...a few weeks if I'm feeling courageous...but after that, I quit.  LA was the only thing I ever stuck to....and for what reason, I'm still a bit unsure.  But I did.  And it worked.  I'm a dieting whore, if you will....constantly reading up on every single diet I can feast my eyes on...and convincing myself that this "will be the one."  Hell...I even found myself researching Lap Band surgery today.  Yeah, I'll admit it...the thought has cross my mind on numerous occasions...and I'll be honest....part of me would do it in a heartbeat.  Honestly though...the main reason I won't is because of other people.  I want to do this the hard way because I want the respect from others...the respect and admiration that comes with not taking the "cheaters way out." and putting in the effort that it takes to lose weight the old fashioned way.  Now don't get me wrong...I firmly believe that there are circumstances that definitely call for the surgery as a last resort...but for people like me...250lbs...and luckily don't have death (hopefully) knocking at their door...I truly believe that proper nutrition and exercise are the way to get it done.

     Now, back to the plan.  As I was saying, I'm a cereal dieter, and since quitting LA, I haven't been able to stick to anything. Well, while I was making my earlier this evening...and reciting all the different rules I've recently read about what to eat during the week vs weekends...what fruits have too much sugar....carbs...bread...enough nutrition bs to make you truly lose your mind, I had an epiphany.  "HERE'S A THOUGHT GENIUS...WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO WHAT WORKED FOR YOU WHEN YOU LOST THE 100LBS, YOU JACKASS?"  Ding.  What do we have for her, Vanna?  Duh.  Why fix it if it wasn't broken to begin with?  I quit that place because I couldn't tolerate the people...and I hated...absolutely loathed being made to feel guilty for not purchasing their hoards of needless crap.  BUT...and this is a big but....no pun intended...the fucking plan worked.  If you stuck to it...and ate all of your servings of each allotted food group, the mother fucker worked.  Once again..duh.

     So, now that I've made that important decision, I've decided to become a quitter again.  A WW quitter, that is.  I have great respect for Weight Watchers, and truly admire the people who attend, and have success with it.  Sadly, it just isn't for me.  I wish it was, because those people at my meetings were truly wonderful people...and I wish them the best of luck in their life's endeavors (and weight loss, of course).  But...Weight Watchers just isn't for me. I'm simply not cut out for it. 

     In other news...after much debate on the living situation, I've decided to move back home.  I know I'm probably absolutely insane for doing so, but financially, this will help me out tremendously. But, with that, I have to quit Lifetime.  And I absolutely hate to have to do that, because I truly love that place...but...it's going to be way too far to travel to get there.  So, I'll be saying goodbye soon. As for my workout regimine once I move back home, I have a few different options. #1...go to the rec center either before or after work.  It's small...has a few treadmills...an elliptical...a couple other cardio machines...and then a seperate room with a weight machine...free weights...some medicine balls..and various other equipment.  I believe a years pass is like $300.00.  In fact, I'm going to check right now.  Ok, I just checked, and it's a whopping $206.00 for the year.  At least, for 2007.  Sadly, they don't open until 6:30am...and I think I'd be cutting it too close.  We'll see.  Option #2. Join Figures.  Yes, it's a blatant rip off of Curves, which I joined when I starting this whole weight loss fiasco 3 years ago.  But it worked.  This is $39.00/month....and they open at 6am.  I don't know if it would be worth my $$ to physically back peddle from what I'm used to.  It's something to think about.  And option #3...clean out the basement at home, and create my own home gym.  It would be a tad bit pricey...because I'd need to purchase a decent treadmill, and some heavier free weights...but I think it would be beneficial in the long run...perhaps for other members of the fam too.  That's also something to think about.  Either way, my plan is to walk 3 miles a day...and lift 2x a week.  If I can get an extra workout in on Saturday...so be it.  If not, I won't beat myself up. That's been my major problem as of late.

     Yeah, so I've become downright obsessed about it.  The bf has been telling me that I let it take over my life...and I always just dismissed what he said without giving it a second thought.  But he's right. After tonight...I am a true believer in what losing weight can do to you...it fucks with your mind.  You become completely consumed with it...and allow it to ruin your life...relationships....you name it.  Honestly, I know you probably think this is a tad on the dramatic side, and for that I can't blame you...but it's like a drug.  It's like being a Heroin addict...the mental part anyway.  You just can't stop yourself.  (I'm not speaking from experience here people...beer is my drug of choice...and one that I won't give up. :)  You know what?  Enough is enough.  I am going to do this in a healthy manner...and I'm not going to let it consume every moment of my life.  Life is too fucking short to allow that.  Sadly, I know this all too well.  Carpe Diem, people.  You just never know.

     Alright...well, I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago...but I've been having trouble sleeping lately...so I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym tomorrow.  I truly believe that it's ok to take a small respite from the gym, and relax yourself.  Sleep shall do me well. 

Goodnight (in the words of my Southern customers at work) ya'll!  :)

I'm back in action baby!

I think I'm excited about losing weight.  No, if fact, I am definitely excited about losing weight.  Why, you ask?  Simple.  I've figured it out.  After 25.8 years on this planet, I have figured out the big mystery. Is it in a book?  Nope.  Bottle of pills?  Hardly.  Well where is it, then? ::drumroll please:: It's in your mind.  (What in the fuck is this quack talking about...yeah, I know.  I'm getting to it.  Patience, my friends, patience.) 

As most of you know, I decided to switch to core.  I was eating way too many procesed foods...and it was wreaking havoc on my system.  So I decided to give this whole "natural eating" thing a go.  And my friends, it works.  I ONLY EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY!!  Amazing revelation, isn't it?  I've found that I'm not NEARLY as hungry as I was while doing flex.  There's something about natural foods that just keep you satisfied.  I'm not sure if its the fiber, or lack of chemically processed crap I'm ingesting, but there's something there, and it's a keeper.

Now, I'm no health nut.  Not in the least bit...never could be.  But...I've rarely eaten anything out of a wrapper in the past week.  (I do allow myself pudding, and the occasional ww or Skinny Cow ice cream...because I just have to.  That's life.  Remind me to get back to the SC's in a minute.  I'm a terrible stream of consciousness writer, I know.  Please bear with me.)  In fact, I pretty much loathe almost all vegetables.  But...I'm trying.  And I'm eating fruit.  And peanut butter...in fact...whenever my stomach grumbles a bit, and I know I'm just not thirsty or bored, I take a little bite of peanut butter.  A little bite of peanut butter goes a long way.  I know that peanut butter isn't on the core plan, but when I was with "the other place" it was allowed, and I ate it almost every day...and never had a problem losing the weight.  I don't eat nasty processed peanut butter though...I eat organic peanut butter, made simply from peanuts, and a touch of salt.  Try it...it goes a long way. (I should market that slogan.  Really.)

Another little tidbit I've learned thus far...and I believe it has a name.  Something to the effect of "pairing," I believe.  It's simply this: whenever you eat a carbohydrate, eat a serving of good, lean protein along with it.  The combination of the 2 stabilized your blood sugar, keeping you fuller longer...and not allowing your blood sugar to spike, causing worse cravings later.  It works people.  Try it. 

Now how in the fuck does she know this, you're asking yourself?  Because I went to my weigh in yesterday, and was DOWN 4LBS FROM LAST WEEK.  Oh yeah....AND I'VE GOT MY PERIOD RIGHT NOW TOO!!  Normally I'd be off the charts bloated and crabby.  But I'm not.  It feels so weird to be optimistic about this for the first time in my life...but I am...and I love it!!  (I weighed in at 247.8 yesterday.  That's less than 100lbs to get to my goal of 150.  I know it's not much less than 100...but it's that mental thing telling me that it's still less...you know what I mean?  God this is a great feeling!!

In other news, I went to the store earlier this evening, and picked up some Skinny Cows (among other things...that wasn't my main intention for going.  Although it is that time of the month....and that wouldn't be too surprising.)  I bought a package of the waffle cone chocolate ice cream "thingy's," (for lack of knowing their proper name) and people, let me tell you.  Phenominal.  Abso-fucking-lutely phenomimal.  Try them.  Wait till you get to the last bite at the bottom of the cone.  Amazing!  (Do you think Skinny Cow would want to use the slogan, "Try them!  Their abso-fucking-lutely pheonominal!"  Doubtful.)  Go out and buy some...let me know what you think.

Alright folks...I'm exhausted.  And I still need to pack my lunch and clothes for tomorrow.  (I go to the gym in the mornings and shower their.)  Have a fantastic evening....and I'll talk to you all soon!  :)
I spent the entire weekend laying on the couch.  Wait, let me rephrase that...I spent the entire weekend on the couch laying and eating.  How does the old adage go, "Feed a fever, starve a cold?"  Well, I had both.  I'm finally starting to feel better...but I tell you...I've sweat more in these past 4 days that I have in the past 2 months of working out.  Do you think this works to my weight loss advantage?  :)  I doubt it.

I really don't want to go to my WI tomorrow...I've been up the last 2 weeks...and even though I was down on Friday, I'm sure my weekend of eating and being sick hasn't exactly been helpful.  Perhaps I'll go and use my "I don't wanna step on the scale this week" coupon.  We'll see what the scale says tomorrow...that'll be my final decision maker.  Ok fine...I'm going, regardless of what the scale says.  Damn me and my  "I won't be a quitter anymore" attitude.  Where, oh where did that come from?

In other news, I sat outside by the pool today for a few hours (no, I didn't go to work.  I knew I was feeling too shitty to be able to sit at my desk and deal with customers for 8 hours.  I'll go back tomorrow...I just needed one more day to heal.)  As I was sitting on the pool chair, trying to get my ever pasty skin a bit of color, I noticed that my thighs weren't quite as huge as they always are.  I haven't measured myself in a few years...I suppose I could go buy a damned measuring tape and be done with it....but I just paid my bills today, and I've got like $60.00 left to my name until Friday.  (Yeah, I know...how expensive is a measuring tape?  But you don't understand me....if I go into a store to purchase one thing, it never ends up being just one thing.  I'll spend that $60.00 and then some.  I'm weak.)  Perhaps this weekend I'll pick one up and really start tracking.

So I was in the mood for a salad earlier today, and I decided to try that new Southwestern salad from McDonalds.  Folks, let me tell you....BEST SALAD EVER!!  This thing is unbelievable.  Seriously, it's the best salad I've ever had.  It's got lettuce, chicken, corn, beans, these tasty little Doritos-esque strips...a touch of cheese....and the dressing is phenominal!!  (The entire package has a mere 100cals and 6 grams of fat.)  I looked at McDonalds website for nutrition facts, and with the entire pack of dressing, the salad tops out at about 400 cals and maybe 8 grams of fat.  It's amazing!  If you haven't tried it, try it.  I'm in love.  (One piece of advice though...be careful when you see that little green chunk sitting ever so innocently on the side of the bowl.  At first I thought it was a chunk of cucumber.  Upon further investigation, the green color was a little different from what I was used to, so I assumed it might have been a piece of Zucchini.  So I took a huge bite.  It was really hard to chew...like I'm sitting here struggling with this piece of Zucchini...and then the flavor exploded in my mouth.  IT WAS A FUCKING PIECE OF LIME!!  I'M SITTING HERE CHEWING ON A PIECE OF LIME LIKE SOME KIND OF DERANGED GOAT.  Needless to say, I spit out my "zucchini" in a mater of seconds.)  Only me, I swear.  Only me!  :)

Totally side lined...great.

I was feeling a bit tired during the morning at work yesterday, but that's nothing out of the ordinary for me.  By 1pm, I knew I was getting sick.  During my run yesterday morning, I just couldn't keep moving...I had to continually stop and walk...running just wasn't happening.  So, here I am, totally side lined by a cold with some delightful throat/ear pain, and congestion.  It's incredible how great you can feel one day, and how quickly a illness can sneak up on you the next.  I've been lying on the couch for like 5 hours, watching Pimp My Ride and dozing off.  So, there's really no plan this weekend.  No exercise.  Just me trying to get this crap out of my system.  It figures, doesn't it?  I was feeling so good about the switch...doing so well...and bam...I get sick.  Ugh.  Story of my life.  Oh well, I'll get over it. For now, I'm going to retire to the couch and watch a movie.  **Remind me to tell you about the exercise I did get walking to and from the bar last night/this morning.**



Friday Friday!! 6.8.07

I stepped on the scale this morning.  (Now keep in mind, Wednesday's weigh in on my home scale was at 249.)  Today: 245.5.  The semi-switch to core?  The excessive amounts of water?  This new "jogging" habit I've started?  I'm not sure.  But something is working.  AND...I swear, the beast looks...feels, a tad bit smaller.  I'm sure it's all in my imagination...but it does.  AND...I'm on the second to last hole in my belt.  Yay.  One day at a time folks...one day at a time.

Jun. 7th, 2007

Well, I didn't end up making it to the gym yesterday.  For whatever reason, I couldn't sleep Tuesday night (imagine that...I was in the worst of pissiest moods.  But, I did end up watching the end of that SVU that I missed.  Poor Mariska had a stalker...scary stuff.)  Needless to say, I'm feeling much better today.  Could it be that tomorrow is Friday?  A little bit, perhaps.  

Last night I went overboard on the cereal.  And I'm not quite sure why.  I ate well...core well...all throughout the day yesterday...and once I got home, again, it was like the floodgates opened.  Perhaps I need to tweak my eating schedule a bit.  Here's a breif overview...let me know what you would change.

*6am---wake up
*9am---start work
*9:15 eat breakfast (generally cereal, egg white omelete...pb&j ((which I won't be eating on core now.  Boo))
*11am---snack (yogurt)
*12/12:30 fruit
*2:30/3pm---snack...generally more fruit
*4:30/5pm---more fruit, if I happen to have it with me.  Rarely, do I.
*5:30---leave work for the day
*6pm---arrive at home.  Let the overeating begin.

By the time I walked in the door yesterday, I was absolutely ravenous.  Like, ravenous to the point of a headache.  Which is silly.  I had been drinking water like nothing else...and had a snack around 3pm.  Why in the hell would I be starving by 6?  Any ideas/suggestions for me?

In other news, I made it back to the gym today.  Cardio day....completed a little over 3 miles on the treadmill.  I'd say I ran about 1.5 of those miles.  I know to professional runners, my piddly little jogs are nothing more than a mere warmup, but to me, I'm going all out.  And I'll be honest...I like them.  I had a bit of a headache this morning, so I had to stop and walk for a bit...but I've read that interval training is very good for fat burn.  How far off am I?

Hmmm...what else is going on in the land of Ms. Monday?  Oh yeah...I want to switch this blog from LiveJournal to Wordpress, but apparently my browser at work doesn't want me to.  I love livejournal, don't get me wrong, but I really like the aesthetic appeal of my fellow blogger http://successpie.wordpress.com/.  I signed up, and I thought I would just copy and paste my entries from here thus far, but that's not going to happen.  At least while I'm at work.  Perhaps I'll give it a go when I get home.  (It is nail painting night though...we'll see how ambitious I'm feeling.)  

As I was walking into work yesterday morning, I was thinking about rollercoasters.  (That should tell you what kind of driver I am.  Kidding.)  I'm not sure what made me think of rollercoasters, but thinking about them made me think of my summer vacation last year, where my friends and I rented a house on the lake for the week.  We took a trip to the local theme park...and they forced me to ride the rollercoasters with them.  Let me backtrack a bit. 

::The following is like the dream sequence of a play or film.  Pretend you're actually watching this, not simply reading the written word::  (Yes, I have a bachelors degree in media communications.  And that last sentence was the first time I've put it to use since I graduated from college 4 years ago!)::

I'm 17 years old, and had just graduated from high school.  My boyfriend (at the time) a friend of his, and I wanted to go to Six Flags.  I scrounged up the money (not cheap for a 17 year old) and made the trek out there.  The bf and his friend really wanted to ride the Raging Bull...despite the fact that it was an hour long wait to get on.  (I'm guessing it was a new ride back in 99.)  Now, I hadn't been to Six Flags in a good 3/4 years at this point, and by 17, I'm going to guess that my weight was topping out somewhere near 300lbs...a bit more, perhaps.  At that size, the scale and I weren't on very good terms, and our visits were infrequent.  But I digress.  So here we are standing in this incredibly long line, scorching in the hot June Chicago sun.  After what seemed like an eternity, we finally got to the front of the line.  I remember looking at the other fat people in the crowd who were exiting the ride, and thinking to myself "That guy is fatter than me.  If he can get on, I'll have no problem."  (I guess this is a rationale fear for anybody who is overweight.  It's much more common that you'd think.)  When our turn arrived, the three of us sat took our seats and buckled up.  Except for me.  With every ounce of strength my young fingers could muster, I tried to get that damned bar to close, but it wouldn't.  The kid running the ride even tried, but failed.  He gave me a look that was something to the effect of "run...run far far way."  And I did.  I took off from that seat and ran down the stairs, hot tears streaming down my face.  The emarassment I had just edured was nothing short of physical pain.  I bawled my eyes out for the next 20 minutes...until the bf (at the time) finally calmed me down.  (I think he even might have bribed me with food.  I wouldn't doubt it.)  For the remainder of our trip there, we had to find "fat friendly" rides, like the log ride.  It's fun, but it just isn't the same.  I'm now 25 years old, and I haven't been back there since.  Someday, perhaps.  Someday.

Now, back to my trip last year.  By July of 05, I was at a total loss of roughly 80lbs.  I was wearing a size 16...and rollercoasters my friends, not a problem.  Now, I could have fit a lot more comfortably, and not looked like a stuffed sausage in the seat...but I fit.  And I rode a ton of rollercoasters that day.  (Perhaps I'll post the picture of us coming down the huge drop on one of them...if you're lucky.)  Now, back to my walk into work yesterday...

As I was thinking about the rollercoasters, I got to pondering about reasons that I want to lose weight.  I'm talking, the really down and dirty, could be embarrassing reasons.  Not just the typical "want to be healthy, live long, and look good" jazz.  I'm talking the good stuff.  Here, in explicit detail, is my list.  Hope you're sitting.

*First and foremost, I want to get rid of this giant, oversized roll of human flesh that dangles ever so ungracefully from my middle.  I loathe this thing more than math class, Paris Hilton, and current gas prices combined.  It is the most hideous creature to ever have the displeasure of adorning somebody's body.  In fact, my body wouldn't be nearly as repulsive if I didn't have it.  From now on, I will refer to it as the beast.

*I want to have hot ass amazing, blow your mind sex.  I want to have sex so insanely powerful that the police have to be called because my neighbors think somebody is attacking me.  (I'm talking from the volume people).  I want to be able to explore positions that don't remind you of a K-9, or make you look as though you are melting.  (You know what I'm talking about...leaning forward...skin saaaaaaaaags down.  You've got the mental picture.)  I want to look forward to sex...not dread it.  

*I want to be able to say, "I have a wedding to go to next month," and go to the store, any store, and purchase a dress.  I don't want to have to buy an accompanying undergarment that gives the illusion of a smooth silhouette.  I don't want to have to purchase special tape to keep "certain things in place" because the damned sorry ass excuse for a dress just doesn't fit properly.  I don't want to be hobbling by the end of the night because my fatass is too heavy to be wearing heels for an extended period of time.  I want to look hot.  Does that sum that one up?

*I want to be wanted.  I want to walk around in public and have guys pay attention to me because of how incredibly gorgeous I am.  Not because of how incredibly fat I am.  I want to feel desired.  (Now people, don't get me wrong...I'm in a happy, long term relationship.  But, for self esteem reasons...it's nice, you know?)  I want to be hit on...this is something I've never experienced...at least that I'm aware of.  (I'm pretty sure about this...I like to think I'm a fairly observant person.)  Every bf I've had has been "found" via the internet.  I'm not afraid to admit this now...in that past...a bit.  I had a little technique in which I became accustomed...and it worked.  I would charm them with my personality, slowing hinting at the fact that I wasn't a looker....and then as they were totally in love with me mentally, I'd break the news to them physically.  I know it sounds a bit warped and twisted, but they would get to know me for me BEFORE they saw me.  And by the time they actually saw me, it didn't really matter.  Now, I'm not saying there was anything wrong with that...and I found my bf just like that (we're going on 5 and 1/2 years now)...sometimes I just wish things could have been more traditional.  LIke...I didn't have to go to such measures.  Anyhoo, I think you know where I'm going with this.  It would be incredible to feel desired by a total stranger.  Definitely put a smile on my face!

*I want to fly coach, and not have the beast hang over both armrests...allowing passengers on both sides of me to enjoy the comfort of their armrests for their arms....not my roll.  I can't tell you how mortifyingly embarrassing this is.  The times I've had this happen, my fellow passengers were generally pretty gracious about it...but still.  (And I didn't have enough nerve to ask them if I could put the armrests up because my fat roll hanging over the sides was incredibly uncomfortable.  Just couldn't bring myself to do it.  (Luckily I've not experienced the seatbelt extender.)  I never few at my heaviest...and luckily, I have no problems fitting into the airplane seatbelt.)   

*I want to be able to cross my legs, and look sexy doing so.  Not this half assed lean that I currently do...I call it the "fat girl crossing."  Yes, techinically they're crossed, but you practically have to hold your breath to keep them there.  Think "Basic Instinct."

*I want to be able to find jeans that fit me.  Once and for all.  I want to go into a store, say "Yes skinny little 17 year old high school trixie working at the Gap, I need a size 10."  I want to put on those jeans, and have them enhance my amazing figure.  I don't want to buy another pair of jeans with the mentality "at least they zip."  I can't tell you how many pairs of jeans I own that are way too huge in the ass, and too long, but fit me snugly in the waist because I have this oddly shaped freak body.

*One word: Abercrombie.

*I want to go to Dairy Queen and order the biggest hot fudge sundae, covered with nuts and whipped cream, complete with a cherry on top, and not get looks of disgust and disbelief from fellow patrons.  I'm tired of going and purchasing a 60 cal fat free sugar free fudge bar.  (Now people, don't get me wrong, I adore the fudge bar.  It's great. And great for you.  And I know the hot fudge sundae goes against EVERYTHING this blog stands for...but hell...everybody needs a hot fudge sundae every once in a while.  It's only human!)  :)

*I want to go to a club and dance.  I want to dance and not feel self conscious about it.  I don't want to be the loser fat girl standing against the wall, looking on while every other thin girl has a great time.

*I want to not automatically dislike every skinny girl I meet.  It's horrible of me, I know.  But it's like a programmed mental reaction within me...it's something I just can't seem to help, and it's pathetic.  I want to stop judging these girls because of what they look like.  (A bit hypocritical, I know.  I never said I was perfect.)

*I want self esteem.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to love myself.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not cringe.  I want to wakeup happy, and look forward to another day on Earth, not dread it. 

*I want to be in public, and not think everybody is laughing at me, or talking shit about me.  (I know this sounds a bit neurotic, and really, it's not.  A tad bit paranoid...perhaps.  A healthy dose of paranoia never hurt anybody.)  I want to not automatically assume the worst, at all times.

*I don't ever want to walk into a Lane Bryant for the rest of my life.  Ever.

*I don't want to be a fat bride.  (Marriage is a long way off for me...but it might happen...someday.)

*I want to be happy.

That's just a brief list...and if I had all the time in the world, I could probably go on forever.  But I'll stop for now.  I'm curious to hear your reasons. 

Indulge me.


6.5.07 and what a crappy evening

Ugh.  I hate nights like this.  Where, oh where to begin.  Let's start with this weeks WI.  Up 1.4lbs.  This is not the direction I am supposed to be heading.  Down, not up.  And then the binge that followed when I got home.  String cheese with turkey..popcorn...cool whip directly out of the bowl...(sickening, isn't it?)...a frozen meal....a protein bar.  Needless to say, it was a binge that didn't need to happen...and definitely won't help my results with next weeks WI.  After I ate, I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up an hour later, feeling worse than when I started.  (And I missed the end of a really good SVU that I was watching.  Damn.)  And to top it off, I was trying to look at DWLZ, and my computer crashed.  So here I am, sitting at my computer desk, typing on this miniscule laptop.  I guess I should look at the positive....at least I have this.  Better than nothing, I suppose.  Ugh.  What a shitty night.

On a good night, I made it to the gym both yesterday and today.  I walked for 15 minutes on this shitty treadmill, did 15 minutes on the elliptical, and then finally got to the good treadmills...(the ones I did my crazy running on last Friday.)  Since I was short on time, I jogged a mile, (yes folks, I did it again, without stopping.)  My mile took me about 13.5 minutes, but hell, it's a start.  I walked the last minute and a half as a MUCH NEEDED cooldown.  :)

Today I lifted for 45 minutes.  I'm still unsure about what I'm doing.  I know that some people only work certain parts of their bodies on certain days....but I'm not sure I see the point.  I work the whole thing...and generaly switch off between upper and lower body during the duration of the workout.  If money allowed, I would sign up for a personal trainer in a heartbeat, but it's just not feasible.  (We're talking something like an extra $560/month.   That's more than my portion of rent AND utilities.  Let's not even get started on the whole apartment/needing a roommate situation.  Know of anybody that needs a place to live in the NW burbs of Chicago this October?  If so, let me know!)  Grrr...I'm on a complaining mood.  Can you tell?

So, after much debate, I think I'm switching to the Core plan on WW.  When I was with the other place...oh hell, it was LA Weight Loss...what am I so afraid of?  Anyhooo....when I was with them, I rarely ate any processed foods...and I think that was a key factor in my weight loss success there.  (My reasons for quitting had nothing to do with the program itself...it had EVERYTHING to do with their "used car salesman-like" tactics.  It got old, and quickly.)  So, I think I'm going to be switching to Core.  I think a lot of my problem has been the "technically I can eat anything I want" mentality, which in my case, includes a lot of processed junk.  I need to get to the store, but I think for now, I have some basics to start things off.  Perhaps this will be a positive turn in the weight loss roller coaster.  (God knows I need it.  In fact, this weekend the bf will be out of town, so I'll have NO EXCUSE WHAT SO EVER TO BE OFF PLAN.)  I know I shouldn't blame my weekend troubles on him, but it's just sooo much easier to cheat when I have an accomplice....you know what I mean?  Beer and pizza always taste better with a parter in crime!

One more thing before I go and clean up the rice I just spilled all over the stove....yesterday and today I've consumed half of my weight in ounces in water.  I'm not sure exactly how much of an impact this will have on my weight loss...but I'm sure as hell that it couldn't possiby hurt. 

Hoping for a better Wednesday than that Tuesday evening I've had---


For lunch today, I brought a turkey sandwich (4pts total), a bag of pretzel sticks (2pts) and a jello.  I ate half the sandwich at lunch, as well as half of the pretzels.  For whatever reason, I decided to do what (some) skinny people do, and save the other half for later.  I've never understood this crazy practice.  In fact, I've always finished my entire lunch, and had to fight the urge to go back into the cafeteria to get something else because I was still hungry.  And then a light bulb suddenly illuminated inside of my thick skull.

Brain says to me, "You eat too fast."

I say to brain, "No I don't, I'm just always hungry." 

Brain replies, "Perhaps if you'd try eating just a bit slower, you'd find that indeed, you are fuller on a lesser amount of food."

To which I reply, "But how is that possible?"  If I ate 6pts worth of lunch in 10 minutes, or in 30 minutes, it's still just 6pts.  How does the length of time make a difference?"

My brain so politely explains to me, "The human body takes 20 minutes of eating for me to send a signal that you're full.  So, if you eat that sandwich and pretzels in 10 minutes, I haven't sent that signal to tell stomach that you're full.  In this case, you'll continue eating because you haven't received the signal, and thus gain weight.  But, if you take that same amount of food, and eat it slowly...over 30 minutes, you won't need to buy more food to feel full.  You'll not only save money, you'll save calories too.  Do you understand?"

Me to brain, "Well no shit."

I tested this theory out on Saturday afternoon, pre baseball game binge.  (Beer binge is more like it.  There's just something about cold over priced draft beer at a baseball game that tastes so damned good.)  Anyhoo, I made a turkey sandwich (on toast, quite tasty, I might add) with some pretzel sticks, and a Coke Zero.  I took about 30 minutes to eat it, and surfed the web in between bites.  I can honestly say, I was completely satiated by the end of my meal.  What a revelation!  

As I previously mentioned, I overdid it on the beer at the baseball game.  I think I had about 4...(and these weren't 12oz'ers, either)...plus one hot dog and a half an order of fries.  I had saved myself 19pts for the game...which I'm sure I went over with the hot dog and beer...and I have no way to justify it.  I just did.  Plain and simple.  Later that night, we ordered pizza.  Again, I clearly wasn't on the wagon.  Seriously, weekends are my WORST time.  I'm so bad.  Ugh.  I'm weak. 


Saturday.  Yay.  Not a whole lot to talk about.  I suppose I could come up with something, but I'm still insanely sore from my outrageous run yesterday.  My back is in bad shape, and I have a feeling it's going to be that way for a wihle.  Alas, It was for a good cause, I shouldn't complain.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  248.  Unfortunately, I stepped on after I'd had 2 bottles of water, a protein bar, and had been swimming.  Eh, who knows.  I'm not in the mood to be posting right now.  I'm going to a baseball game to night and need to go get ready.  Thanks for stopping by.

6.1.07 (and my God am I sore)

I'm at the gym this morning, walking on the treadmill.  I'm going at a pace of roughly 3.7mph...incline of like 4.  I'm half listening to music, half reading the book I brought, when some stroke of genius idea pops into my head, "Let's jog."  Now, I've got no cartilage in my right knee (softball injury from high school)...a shifting kneecap in my left knee (once again, softball.  I was a catcher...need I say more?)...and jacked up bones in both feet (that's an even longer, more lame story.  It's something to do with genetics...lack of oxygen.  To sum it up, I have to wear these dorky orthotics in my shoes.  Anyhoo.)---so, I put the treadmill at a negative 3 incline...easy on my knees and feet...and put the speed at 4.5mph.  The last time I remember jogging for an extended period of time, I managed to make it a whopping 7 minutes without stopping.  People, that was quite a feat, let me tell you.  But there was something different about this morning.  I remember glancing at the panel when I first started, and I had already walked about 1.6 miles.  So I mentally told myself, "Self, ha ha ha...let's try to get to 2 miles.  See if you can do it."  Well, I did it.  And then I kept on going.  I upped the speed to 4.6 mph, and kept up the pace.  (Any faster and I would have shot off that machine and slammed ass first into the wall behind me.  Not a pretty picture.)  By some stroke of God, or Buddha...or what have you, I still kept jogging.  I realized ::eventually:: that I had been running, wait...jogging...for at least 20 straight minutes...and the paramedics HAD NOT YET BEEN CALLED!!  My friends, I was getting close to the 3 mile mark.  At 2.9 miles, I had lost my faith.  I was completely drenched in sweat...sports bra giving in under the pressure....I didn't think I was going to make it.  But something inside of me told me to keep going.  Don't be a quitter.  Finish this.  And I did. 

In the end, I did a total of 3.11 miles, burned 504 cals, and was on the treadmill for 51 minutes.  The walk back to the mats to stretch...to the locker room to shower...well, for the first few hours of the day...interesting.  It's just about 1pm...and I still feel shitty.  Not nearly has bad as I felt the first few hours of the morning.  I felt like some Goomba's were roughing me up in some back Brooklyn alley.  (I guess when you run, and this is pure speculation, you unconsciously tighten your abs?  Any runners out there?  Am I right?)  Christ almighty I'm hurting.  But, it's a good hurt.  It's a hurt with a sense of accomplishment.  

In other news, I stepped on the scale this morning.  248.  I keep going up.  What the fuck?  I'm sure a bit of it is the lifting I did yesterday.  I was sore just from that.  And, I did go over my pts by roughly five, dipping into my flex pts...putting me at around 10 for the week.  But still.  Even though I know that in the grand scheme of life that .5 lbs isn't the end of the world, but you can't help but feel like a bit of a failure when that number creeps up...even if it's for reasons beyond your control.  I think the ideal way to track weight loss would be to actually measure yourself each and every day.  Yes, technically you could do this, but it would be time consuming.  Hmmmm...perhaps I've found my nitch.  :)

So far today, I've had 13pts.  I get 32 total.  I'm saving the other 19 for going out tonight...it...dinner...beer etc.  Melissa and I (former roomie...dear friend) are going to see Shrek and going for dinner and drinks.  Gotta have a girl's night every now and again, ya know?  

Well folks, I'm going to do some work.  Overrated, I know...but alas, something has to pay for my lavish lifestyle.  (Ask me about closing my car door on Wednesday.  Priceless.)  Ta ta for now.